(This is a writing in progress..  I come and add or take away words....   but I have no idea or form to what I am writing - it just comes  from me when and how it will and I follow where/when it leads me.    I feel not,   to  shape or construct it - but rather...  am coming to realize that these words, written in this strange and lengthy way,

are shaping me!


Is there such a thing as healing from such a wound as this?  
Can  ~healing~  take place 
when what is torn away from you, 
leaves you forever less than whole, 
 gone forever?

(I speak here of mortal life,
for I have the assurance of a reunion)

Nothing at all is the same -

Nor will it ever be again.

So then,  strength returns to us
 when we are able to look to the day 
and circumstances around us 
and feel,  know, believe,
that what remains
is still important.
Of value


After a while, you begin to see 
that even this most tragic circumstance 
which you have ever faced,  and, 
"Please God!!!",  
will ever have to face again,
has already begun to temper you 
and restructure your entire life.

You stop wondering when you will "spring-back" 
because you know that there is no going back - 
only forward and onward 
and into new each day,  
always becoming a new person.

Your values
Your priorities
Your perceptions 

and yes,

Even your faith grows,
For it is true,  that in the darkness
Light shines brighter,
And in the darkness  which is 
"The valley of the shadow of death"
The Light of the World
Comes to you.
Surrounds you.
Fills you.
In a new and more substantial way than ever before.
And you are so aware of Him at this time,
as never before in all of your life.

Here I am well into the fourth year "since",
And yet,  He abides with me still,
more substantially than I ever felt Him before.
He was always  what He is now...
What has changed, is...

And in perceiving this,
I have never had more faith

Ten years now, 
and still,  
I'm learning and recognizing 
how it is that God uses all things for good ~ 
yes, even when it comes to Erics' death. 

So many times 
my Spirit whispers within me
pointing out how many things were and are still,  
being effected by Erics' short life and also,
by his death.   

Recognizing that used to be difficult for me to see,
I think I even resented 
and perhaps resisted the recognitions...
in the beginning,  
for I found it difficult to weigh the pain against the gain,
 - but now it's a natural part of me.... 
and when it happens,  
I now smile,  
seeing and knowing that Eric still effects this world ~  
and remembering his own words...
that it was pretty much the main thing 
that his desire was to achieve in his life....  

To see how even ten years later,  
he is still making amazing differences for people...
now brings comfort and even a smile
(albeit some gentle tears and melancholy as well)
when I think of what he would have found so amazing! 

I know in my heart
 that Eric would be as surprised as I
at the twists and turns that he has created for others
to learn and grow. 

Because he lived...
and because he died...

Because I love him so
and I miss him so

Because it hurts
and because of the pain...

There is much that I do
when motivated by those feelings,
to reach out to others who suffer and are in need.

Because Eric,  my beloved son lived
and because he died
and because it hurts without ending,
I see and know needs of others
and I give comfort from the suffering I have known
(and I still know)
and I share with them
in a way that only the pain could have taught and inspired me to. 

It is an opening up and sharing
that only the experience of such loss and pain
can ever bring about.

After ten years,
 I would have to say that healing never ends
and we are never the same... and....
most of all,  I say,
that we are better for it.


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Eric Lee Baker

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