SUMMER CAMP (The long way home from....)
It took almost a week for Bubba to get home from summer camp! He started out riding home with the parents of a friend who had attended with him, but at the first rest stop, they drove off and left him! He walked for a while until someone offered him a ride.... and again, the same thing happened when they stopped at a restaurant and he went to use the restroom. This continued for days and he ended up walking a good deal of the way. When he arrived home, his parents were beside themselves wondering where he was.... until he explained to them what kept happening when he would go to the restrooms, see the signs that said "clean restrooms".... and no one would wait for him while he did!
Bubbas' uncle Jack went to the local novelty shop and found a pair of x-ray glasses. "What a neat thing!" he exclaimed to the clerk, "Do they really work?" "Well sure.... all you have to do is slip them on and look through them.... See for yourself!" Sure enough, they did just what they said! Delighted, he paid the clerk and left. On his way home, Jack put on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He saw everyone around him naked. He took them off for a moment, and everyone had their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on... everyone is naked! "Cool!" he said. He arrived home, eager to show his new toy to his wife but couldn't find her. Wearing his new glasses, Jack went up to the bedroom and found his wife and the postman, naked in bed. Immediately, he took the glasses off and looked again. The two were still naked. He put them back on, and they are still naked. He did it twice more and then exclaimed, "Gosh, I just paid fifty bucks for these things and they're already broken! Wonder if they are guaranteed?"
Bubba learned to swim last year and was so good at it that he decided to enter the Breast stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. He came in five hours after the others, finally reached shore, completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, he was heard to mumble "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think the others cheated, I could swear - they were all using their arms!"
Bubba and Joe
were traveling down the road in their pulp wood truck,
they saw a large sign on the side of the road which read
Bubba read about
the exciting life of being a government spy. He was
really enthusiastic about it - free travel all over the
world, good pay, job security and great benefits. He
decided to go to the three week training course which
would determine whether he was suitably equipped for the
job, physically and psychologically. On the last day of
the course, their trainer hands each one of them guns and
says" Now this is your final test. You have to prove
that you are willing to obey whatever you are told to do.
Pass this test and you're ~In~, fail it, and
you're out. Privately, he takes each man in turn
aside and tells him, you have to walk in there and kill
your wife". The first man says thinks about it a
minute, then says, "Okay man, I can do this.."
So he walks into the house and there's dead silence for a
couple of minutes. The he returns, crying, and says
"Can't do it man, can't do it".
* When it came to
the bit on the form that said "sign" he wrote
Bubbas' aunt Bea was due in from the west coast, so he offered to pick her up at the airport. Hours later he returned home without her. His mother was waiting on the porch and rushed out to his truck as soon as it came to a stop... "Bubba!!!! My sister has called three times now! Where have you been? Your daddy was already gone to work, so I told her to take a cab.... But I've been worried sick....we were afraid that you had been in an accident or something!" "Well, did she say where the airport is NOW?" ~ "Why, whatever do you mean? You've been going out to that airport all your life! You know where it is!" ~ "Well, I knew where it WAS, but there was a big new sign up where we always turn in to go there and it said AIRPORT LEFT, but it didn't say nothing about where it went and I couldn't even find anyone who knew it was gone yet, much less tell me where it went!"
Bubbas' dad sent him to the store to pick up a few things. The clerk, seeing him standing there looking at all the various deodorants, looking confused, goes over to help him.... "Are you looking for a particular brand?" "Well, I don't know - but I think I remember what the bottle looked like so I was trying to find it that way. "Well, they change the packaging now and then... but we can probably find something suitable. "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk. ~ "Oh, no, Sir..... He only uses it under his arms!"
LETTER TO BUBBA FROM HIS MOTHER
Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Wanting to improve his golf game an avid golfer was trying everything he could buy to increase the distance of his drive. He had gotten new clubs, a wrist support, a video tape on techniques and personal instruction from the club pro. Nothing seemed to get the extra distance he was expecting. On a visit to the sporting goods store he decided to get more information on the only thing he had overlooked, the golf ball. Walking over to the golf section he came upon Bubba, who was actually looking for ping pong balls and was marveling over the dimpled surface of the golf ball he had in his hand. Thinking that Bubba was a sales person, he approached him and asked, "What can you tell me about golf balls?", he asked. Bubba frowned in consternation and thought a bit and then, shaking his head he replied, " Well, I don't know anything about golf balls, but if it's anything like tennis elbow, I bet it hurts it really must hurt Real bad!!!"
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bubbas' trailer house. Bubba asked: ~ "What is the usual tip?" ~ "Well," ~replied the youth, ~ "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." ~ "Is that so?" ~ snorted Bubba. ~ "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." ~ "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."~ "What are you studying?" ~ asked Bubba. The lad smiled and said: ~ "Applied psychology."~
WILL HE JUMP?
Bubba was sitting next to a traveling salesman in the local bar, watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The salesman offered a bet of $50 that he wouldn't jump. Bubba took him up on it and laid out his money on the bar. Sure enough, he jumped, so Bubba pushed the money toward the salesman. Feeling a bit guilty, the salesman shook his head and pushed it back to Bubba, saying.... "I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I.....can't take your money". "You did?" exclaimed Bubba, surprised, "I did too.... but I never thought he'd jump again!"
WATCHING THE CLOCK
Henry, John and
Bubba all worked together at a factory.
Bubba & his Twin Brother (Dufus)
Bubba was walking
through town yesterday carrying a bag from the butcher-shop.
He ran into his brother, Dufus who said,
~"Bubba, what you got in that bag?"~ Bubba
replied, ~ "In this bag here I got me some chickens."
Bubba and his
wife went on a small fishing-boat excursion with two
other couples. A storm came up and before they could get
safely back, the boat capsized. By morning they found
that only the handsome young captain, Bubba and his wife
remained alive. There was an island not far from them and
they set out for it at once. Weeks went by.... not a sign
of rescue! Fortunately there were fruits and berries and
they managed to spear fish to cook and the three of them
were surviving pretty well. It was rather boring, for
after a while they ran out of conversation to exchange
and began to wonder if they would ever be found and
returned to civilization. One morning the handsome young
captain sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled,
"Stop making love down there!" Bubba was
astounded - had the man lost his mind? "What's the
matter with you?" he called up to him, we've been
all over this island and you know there aren't any other
people here!" ~ I thought I saw you and your wife,
right out there in the open making love in front of me!
You could at least go be private about it!" ~
"We weren't making love." replied Bubba. ~
"Sorry," said the captain, "from up here
it looked as if you were!"