Kiddie quotes when asked what they have learned...

I've learned that my daddy can say a lot of words I can't. --age 8
I've learned that if you spread the peas out on your plate 
      
it looks like you   ate more. --age 6
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it 
       mom makes me clean it up. --age 13
I've learned that you can be in love with four girls at the same time. 
       --age 9
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli 
       in a glass milk.          --age 7
I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time, 
       it will come out your nose. --age 7
I've learned that when mommy and daddy shout at each other 
       it scares me. --age 5
I've learned that when daddy kisses me in the mornings he smells 
       like a piece of Jolly Rancher candy. --age 10
I've learned that when I eat fish sticks, they help me swim faster 
       because they're fish. --age 7
I've learned that when I wave at people in the country they 
       stop what they're doing and wave back. --age 9
I've learned that when I grow up, I'm going to be an artist--
       it's in my blood. --age 8
I've learned that you can't judge boys by the way they look. 
       --age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should 
       try cheering someone else up. --age 13
I've learned that you should never jump out of a second story 
       window using a sheet for a parachute. --age 10
I've learned that parents are very hard to live with. --age 12
I've learned that sometimes the tooth fairy doesn't always come-- 
       sometimes he's broke. --age 8
I've learned that if you talk too long on the phone with a girl, 
       your parents suspect something is going on. --age 11
I've learned that girls sweat just as much as boys. --age 11
I've learned that when wearing suspenders with one strap down, 
       you need to be careful going to the bathroom. --age 10
I've learned if you put a June bug down a girls dress, 
       she goes crazy. --age 6
I've learned that it always makes me feel good to see my 
       parents holding hands. --age 13
I've learned that you shouldn't confuse a black crayon with a 
       Tootsie Roll. --age 10
I've learned that I would like to be a horse and live on a ranch, 
       if only cowboys didn't wear spurs. --age 8
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we 
       sing "Silent Night". --age 7
I've learned that sometimes I don't like to play ball with daddy 
       because he gets mad when I drop the ball. --age 10
I've learned that milk helps keep your bones from bending over. 
       --age 7
I've learned that the teacher always calls on me the time I don't 
       know the answer. --age 9
I've learned how to hold animals without killing them. --age 5
I've learned that when you have three of your wild friends in 
       the car the driver freaks. --age 9
I've learned that gold fish don't like jello. --age 5
I've learned that you should say your prayers every night. --age 9
I've learned that the older I get the less attention I get. --age 6
I've learned that sometimes my mother laughs so hard 
       that she snorts. --age 7

DOWN UNDER

A little boy comes in and says to his mother, "Is it true that we come from dust and return to dust?" ~ "That's what the Bible says," she answered. ~ "Well, then, somebody is either coming or going under my bed," he said

~~~ * ~~~

BIRTH COACH

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said.
"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

~~~ * ~~~

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" ...
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

The kindergartners were now in the first grade.
Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word." The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word." Then the teacher asked the third one, Little Johnny, what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. Johnny puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied,
"Winnie the Sh-t!"

ADDRESSED TO GOD

A letter written in childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am six years old. My father is dead, and my mother is having a hard time raising me and my sister.
Would you please send us $500.00?"
The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers, and all decided to kick in a few dollars and send it to the family.
They were able to raise $300.00
A couple of weeks later, they received a second letter. The boy thanked God but ended with this request: "Next time, would you please deliver the money directly to our home? If you send it through the post office, they deduct $200.00."

~~~ * ~~~

**********************
Toddler Property Laws
**********************

If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my hand, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm doing or building something,
ALL the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it IS mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down,
it automatically becomes mine.
If it's broken, it's YOURS.

Letter Home From Summer Camp

Dear Mom & Dad:

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chads' mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.    Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Your son
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,
"There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.
"I think it's printed on the bottom."

MULTIPLE BIRTHING

The Stewarts' lived rather isolated on a farm in Scotland. When Mrs. Stewart went into labor in the middle of the night, the doctor came to the farm to deliver her child. Mr Stewart had never been present at a delivery before and was obviously in a state of high anxiety. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, ~ "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." ~ Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. ~ "Whoa there Scotty!" ~ said the doctor. ~ "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." ~ Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. ~"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!"~ cried the surprised doctor. The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor.       "Do ye think it's this light that's attractin' `em doc?"

First Grade PROVERBS

A first-grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
Better be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is........................................not much.
Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and....
you have to blow your nose.

Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.

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