Taken from a Florida
A man was
working on his motorcycle on his patio and his
wife was in the kitchen of their house. The man
was racing the engine on the motorcycle and
somehow the motorcycle slipped into gear. The
man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged
through a glass patio door and the motorcycle
dumped onto the floor inside the house.
hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and
found her husband laying on the floor, cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and
the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the
phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they
lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down
the several flights of long steps to the street
to direct the paramedics to her husband.
ambulance arrived and transported the husband to
the hospital, the wife obtained some paper
towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the
towels in the toilet.
was treated at the hospital and was released to
come home. After arriving home, he looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his
motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the
bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a
cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he
flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl
while still seated. The wife, who was in the
kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found
her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had
been blown away and he was suffering from burns
on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his
again ran to the phone and called for an
ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched
and the wife met them at the street. The
paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher
and began carrying him to the street. While they
were going down the stairs to the street, one of
the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had
burned himself. She told them and the paramedics
started laughing so hard that one of them tipped
the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell
down the remaining steps and broke his ankle. And
you think you have bad days?
From Jack Davis
A seaman meets a
pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling of their
adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the
pirate has a peg- leg, hook, and eye patch and asks,
~"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"~
The pirate replies, ~"We were in a storm at sea and
I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my
men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off."~
"Wow!"~ said the seaman. ~"What about your
hook?" ~ "Well ...." ~ replied the pirate,
~"We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling
the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me
hand off." ~ "Incredible!"~ remarked the
seaman. ~"And how did you get the eye patch?" ~
"A seagull dropping fell into me eye." ~
replied the pirate. ~ "You lost your eye to a
seagull dropping?"~ the sailor asked incredulously.
~"Well"~ said the pirate, ~"it was me
first day with the hook."
** MENU AT
THE ROADKILL CAFE **
KILL IT..............WE GRILL IT!
Meals Under Wheels
Eating food is more fun,
When you know it was hit on the run!
Some of Americas Finest down-home Country Cookin!
~ * ~
(Tastes real good, straight from the hood).
(That didn't cross the road).
(Served as a single...or in a stack.)
OF THE WILD SIDE
(Still in the Hide)
Smidgen of Pigeon..............................1.95
Shake N Bake Snake.............................2.25
Swirl of Squirrel..............................1.55
Whippoorwill on a Grill........................3.30
Rigor Mortis Tortoise..........................6.75
*** Bag N
Our daily take-out lunch special
- Anything Dead in Bread -
EAT LIKE A HOG.....WHEN YOU TASTE OUR DOG!
Pit Bull Pot Pie...............................1.95
Snippet of Whippet.............................4.50
Collie Hit by a Trolley........................3.95
German Shepherd Pie............................3.95
Round of Hound.................................4.25
THAT MESS ***
A Daily Special Treat ~ If you can guess what it is
YOU EAT IT FOR FREE!
(Served fresh each night after dark)
Smear of Deer..................................4.95
GOOD FOOD DOWN WITH SOMETHING TO DRINK
(strained or unstrained)
YOUR TASTE BUDS WITH THESE GREAT DESERTS
Road Toad a la Mode............................1.65
Pineapple Porcupine Split......................2.25
EATING AT THE ABOVE CAFE'
YOU MAY WISH TO CONSULT THE FOLLOWING GAS-IDENTIFICATION
gasses are divided into two primary groups:
1. Your gasses ~ 2. Somebody
This one warns that it is back there waiting for some
time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time
in a crowd and who later gasses at a time when they think
no one will notice, passes "Anticipated Gas"
THE BACK SEAT GAS
This is a gas that occurs only in automobiles. It is
identified chiefly by odor. Secondarily, you can spot
this one by a passenger who says something like "Did
we run over a skunk or something back there?" just
before anyone else in the car notices the smell. The Back
Seat Gas can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it
is an eased-out gas and not very loud. But its odor is so
foul(!) and will give it away, due to the way air moves
around in a car. And then someone will say, who gassed in
the back seat?
THE BARRED OWL
A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying
this gas. Almost any morning if you get up just before
daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to
himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the
way it ends. If you hear a gas that has about eight notes
in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds
maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Gas.
THE BULLET GAS:
Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic
is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The gasser can
be said to have snapped it off. It has been known to
startle spectators and gassers alike. Fairly common
following the eating of the more common gas foods, such
This one is owned by the gasser who becomes indignant
when anyone objects or comments upon the event, usually
with saying something like "Well! What did you want
me to do? Let it crowd up around my heart and kill
THE COMMAND GAS:
This gas differs from the Anticipated Gas in that it can
be held for long periods of time waiting for the right
moment. Unlike the Anticipated Gas, it is intended to be
noticed. Often student-related, such as Harold Tabor who
recently held a Command Gas for the whole period in
history class and let it go right at the end when the
teacher asked if there were any questions.
THE COMMON GAS:
This gas needs little description. It is to the world of
gasses what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I
can see no point in describing this gas any further.
A concealed gas, sometimes successful. The gasser is
usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will
squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of
a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a gas very
carefully without moving then or for some time after.
Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Unless you
happen to sit right down in the same spot shortly after
the surreptitious event. Common with some people. Very
THE ECHO GAS:
This is a gas that can be wrongly identified. It is not
some great loud gas in an empty gym or on the rim of the
Grand Canyon. The true Echo Gas is a gas that makes its
own echo. It is a two-toned gas, the first tone loud,
then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.....
THE G AND L GAS:
This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of
gasses, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least
gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands
for Gambled and Lost. (tried to hide it or slip it out
quietly and it didn't work out that way.) One of the most
embarrassing of all gasses, even when you are alone.
THE GHOST GAS:
A doubtful gas in most cases, as it is supposed to be
identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in
an empty house. You enter and smell a gas, yet no one is
there. People will insist that only a gas could have that
odor, but some believe it is just something that happens
to smell like a gas.
This is strictly an old lady's gas. What happens is that
the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and gas all at
the same time. After an old lady gasses a Hic-Hachoo-Gas
Gas she will usually pat her chest and say, "My,
my", or "Well, well". There is no reason
she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an
old persons' gas as there is.
THE JERK GAS:
The Jerk Gas is a gas by a jerk who smirks, smiles,
grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is
usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of
whistle gas, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as
if he has just passed the Biggest gas in the World Gas.
THE JOHN GAS:
The John Gas is simply any ordinary gas gasses on the
john. It is naturally a group one identification, with
the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is
all the persons' trip to the john amounted to he will be
disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
THE LEAD GAS:
The heaviest of all gasses. It sounds like a dropped ripe
watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the
only gas that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is
also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a gas.
What was that, you might think? And never guess that it
THE MALTED MILK
Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this
gas. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other
food works this way. It is rare. Definitely a preferable
variety if you're one to pass gass.
THE OH MY GOD
This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all
gasses. A gas that smells like a month-old rotten egg
known as the Oh-My-God-Gas. It is believed that the name
might have been derived from when our ancestral-gassers
possibly utterred a quick, apologetic prayer for
forgiveness which has today been shortened to the slang
form given here. If you should ever encounter it,
however, you may first want to say, oh compost, which
would be understandable.
THE OMEN GAS:
This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Gas. About the
only difference is that the gasser will not say anything.
He will just look kind of funny and head for the john.
This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.
THE ORGANIC GAS:
Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Gas. The person who
gasses an Organic Gas may be talking about the healthy
food he eats even when he gasses. If he is heavily into
health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and
pure and healthy his gas smells. It may smell to you like
any other gas, but there is no harm in agreeing with him.
He is doing what he thinks is best.
THE QUIVER GAS:
A group one identification gas only. When you gas, it
quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Gas. If you
have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Gas.
You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as
this is one of the most frightening of all gasses. It is
frightening to gasser and spectator alike. It has a sound
of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however,
is its length. It is the longest-lasting gas there is. It
will sometimes leave the gasser unable to speak. As
though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong,
loud, wavering gas, it goes on for at least fifteen
THE RELIEF GAS:
Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is
the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally [assed these gasses. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a
relief". Very common. V-E-R-Y!!!
THE GIGGLE GAS:
This gas is very similar to several of the other gasses
identified here, except that the gasser, upon seeing the
reaction of others to the product of his internal
fermentation, finds it so funny to watch them looking
around to identify the source, that he or she begins to
laugh. It usually begins with a soft little stifled
snicker and quickly becomes a helpless giggle which
cannot be contained, for the harder they try, the funnier
the whole situation appears to them and they have even
been known to actually cry (which happens when the
pressure of their hand against their mouth fails to stem
the giggling and the subsequent back-pressure against
their tear ducts causes tears to begin running down their
face. It is not actually a ~true crying, but it does look
like it!). The giggling and even the tears have been
known to be highly contagious in certain situations.
This is probably one of the oldest gasses known to man.
The Reluctant Gas is a gas that seems to have a mind of
its' own. It gives the impression that it likes staying
where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before.
This can take half-a-day in some instances.
THE RUSTY GATE
The sound of this gas seems almost impossible for a gas.
Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a gas can make. The
Rusty Gate Gas sounds as if it would have worked a lot
easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a gas that
THE S.B.D. GAS:
S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one
of the most common gasses that exists. No problem of
identification with this one.
This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much.
You should remember though, that if you reach back and
scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Gas. It
also reveals you as the gasser. Common.
THE SKILLSAW GAS:
A truly awesome gas. It vibrates the gasser. Really
shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an
electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch
plywood. Very impressive. Not too common. I think it must
also hurt, at least temporarily.
THE SONIC BOOM
The people who believe in this gas claim it is even
bigger than the Biggest Gas In The World Gas. The Sonic
Boom Gas is supposed to shake the house and rattle the
windows. This is ridiculous. No gas in the world shakes
houses and rattles windows. A gas that could do that
would put the gasser into orbit or blow his crazy head
off. It is suspected that it may be common to the YETI
(Bigfoot) species. First time I meet one, I will ask
THE SPLATTER GAS:
Unfortunately the Splatter Gas exists. It is the wettest
of all gasses. It probably should not be called a gas at
all. More like an accident.... I tend to think of it as
"THE OOPPS! GAS" myself.
THE STUTTER GAS:
If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny
It is a gas that can't seem to get going. The sound is
best described as
pt,pt,pt,pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a
forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say,
and only gets gassed out after considerable effort and
unless alone, is rather humiliating in that it reveals
what a difficult time you have doing such a common thing.
THE TACO BELL
The Taco Bell gas is far richer and full-bodied than your
ordinary Junk Gas and takes longer to build up. Sometimes
hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will
hang around after, too, even on a windy day.
THE TEFLON GAS:
Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very
good gas in situations where you would rather not gas at
all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a
word. If the wind is right he will never know.
THE THANK GOD I'M
Everyone knows this rotten gas. You look around after you
have gasses and say Thank God I'm alone. Then you get out
of there yourself.
THE TICKLE GAS:
A group one only and one of the easiest to identify.
Usually a slow soft sort of gas. If you like being
tickled this is the gas for you.
had a big crush on a girl for a long time and finally got
up nerve to ask her out. He wanted it to be perfect. They
went to eat and a show, and as he was driving her home,
he was getting gas pains. He didn't want to do anything
with her around. He held it and thought that as soon as
he dropped her off at home, he would let go. They drove
up to the house and the porch light was on. She said that
meant her parents waned to meet him. He was getting very
nervous...the pain was getting worse. He went in with her
and there was a dog lying on the floor. He thought... if
I stand there and let some out...they will think it is
the dog. Hmmmm? He went over and let a little out...the
mother said, "Rover!" He thought...boy, it's
working...and let out a little more. Mother said louder,
"Rover!" Since it was working...he let it all
go. The mother said, "Rover, get over
here right now
before he sh-ts on you!"