My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Your Wife



In the beginning there was the computer. And God said :
c:\<;>Let there be light!
Enter user id.
Enter password.
Password incorrect. Try again.
Password incorrect. Try again.
And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Sunday
c:\<;>Let there be light!
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\<;>Create light
c:\<;>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 11:59 PM, Sunday.
And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Monday

c:\<;>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light.
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\<;>Create firmament
c:\<;>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 11:59 PM, Monday.
And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Tuesday

c:\<;>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and......
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\<;>Create dry_land
c:\<;>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 11:59 PM, Tuesday
And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Wednesday

c:\<;>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\<;>Create sun_moon_stars
c:\<;>Run sun_moon_stars
And God separated the light from the darkness.
The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 11:59 PM, Wednesday
And God logged on at 12:01 PM, Thursday

c:\<;>Create fish
c:\<;>Create fowl
c:\<;>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 11:59 PM, Thursday
And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Friday

c:\<;>Create cattle
c:\<;>Create creepy_things
c:\<;>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\<;>Create man
c:\<;>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth -
Too many command operands. Try again.
c:\<;>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors..
c:\<;>Insert breath
c:\<;>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
c:\<;>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist. Do you want to create Eden?

c:\<;>Create Garden.edn
c:\<;>Move man to Garden.edn
c:\<;>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c:\<;>Copy woman from man
c:\<;>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:\<;>Create desire
c:\<;>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\<;>Create freewill
c:\<;>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.eden
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\<;>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c:\<;>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\<;>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\<;>Create good, evil
c:\<;>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.eden. 1 errors.
c:\<;>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c:\<;>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:\<;>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

Unrecognizable command. Try again
c:\<;>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
c:\<;>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c:\<;>Destroy earth confirmed

And God logged off at 11:59 PM, Friday,
On second Sunday, God created the MacIntosh.
(Or so says APPLE)


(The Raven parody - With Apologies to Edgar Allan Poe)

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.

Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: It read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.

Carefully, I weighed my options. Three seemed to be the only adoptions.
Clearly, I must now Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,

Praying for some guarantee Finally I pressed a key....
But on the screen what did I see? Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
I tried to catch the chips off-guard.... I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards, I saw what I had seen before.

Now I typed in desperation, Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation.... Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.

And then I saw an awful sight, A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died, "Oh no....my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your data....Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know The place to which our data goes.
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity....well, I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell.... Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".



You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:


Then enter:

If you want your dinner cooked in any way other than standard, consult the accompanying 35 pound document package for options. If you are unable to read the document (it's in Ancient Greek), call Microsoft's Technical support service. For a fee, they will explain to you why you really want to use the default cooking method.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you want to cook it any way other than standard - forget it.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (mostly found on the package label, except for a few that all experienced Unix oven users are assumed to already know about), the weight of the dinner in units of the equivalent number of molecules of heavy water, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification. If you want to cook it any way other than standard, look for the nearest experienced user and ask them - there's no documentation available.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.



Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches
during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not
seem to work on Wife 1.0. Can you help me, please? Please respond ASAP!

Thanks, Joe

============Response From Tech-Support

Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.   Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.   Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its' creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and convert back to
Girlfriend 7.0.   Hidden operating files within your system would cause
Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.   It is impossible
to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with
more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under
"Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire
section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).    You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of  their cause.   The best course of action will be to enter the command  C:\APOLOGIZE.   In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because  ultimately you will still end up having to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run  smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 can be a great program, but is very high maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of
Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This program is not compatible with Wife 1.0 (or Wife 2.0, or any version of Girlfriend for that matter) and is likely to cause irreversible damage to all of your systems (computer  and otherwise).

Best of luck.


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