Pewter Laffs #3

Software Revision Guide

By now you have undoubtedly noticed that all software packages have version numbers. In theory each version represents improvements to the product, but many people have found that the version numbers tend to follow a general pattern. Use this guide to decipher the hidden meaning of version numbers. 
Also, do not be fooled. Using the year as the version number is a clever ploy, but it does not eliminate the fact that 4.0 follows 3.1.

1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs.

1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3: Some anal-retentive pain in the rear found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and has been raising heck until we fixed it.

3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.

3.1: Of course we did break a few little things.

4.0:More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get memory and a faster processor ...

4.1: Just one or two bugs this time. Honest.

5.0: We really need to go on to a new product but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.

6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses the source code.


Online

I am Just Getting on for a Minute!!!

I got up this morning, but haven't yet dressed. My dishes aren't done, and my house is a mess. Have not done my work, have not fed the cat. Just online for a second to pop in and chat.

I used to watch TV, I used to cook Mex I think I remember...yeah, I used to have sex! I used to walk upright, now roll on my chair, Though it causes the neighborhood children to stare.

I wanted to travel around on the Net. Been too busy chatting to get on there yet. I wanted to spreadsheet, word process and paint, But gettin' on with them is just what I ain't!!

Then pops up a name on my neat Buddy List, Think I'll go out and give his tail a twist! And in comes an IM from some weirdo guy I cuss him, insult him and tell him "bye bye".

Is there a 12 step, support groups or such? For those of us folks who chat on too much? If there was a group, I would like it just fine, Except that it probably won't be online!

Are therapists here? I think that I saw some It's got me, it's got me, it's power is awesome. It's my new computer, I've had it one week, Now I look in the mirror and I see a "geek"!

Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs, Please help me, please help me, please get me offline! Or better, please Email a burger and fries, Cause I'm staying online, at least till I die.



Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?

Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits

Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete

After destruction of personal property
Dogs: dog not found
Computers: file not found

Favorite trick
Dogs: roll over
Computers: play dead

Comic-page hero
Dogs: Dogbert
Computers: Dilbert

Fun way to mess with their heads
Dogs: peanut butter on roof of mouth
Computers: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

Consequence of virus
Dogs: replace valuable carpeting
Computers: replace valuable data

Widely ignored government mandate
Dogs: leash law
Computers: Communications Decency Act

Waste disposal tool
Dogs: pooper-scooper
Computers: uninstaller

Sensitive internal procedures
Dogs: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
Computers: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one kind of like this once

Method of marking territory
Dogs: lifting leg
Computers: "Designed for Windows 95"

Unique behavior
Dogs: lick and drag
Computers: click-and drag

Inexplicable physical feature
Dogs: dewclaw
Computers: scroll lock key

Estimated lifespan
Dogs: 12 years
Computers: 12 months

At end of useful life
Dogs: euthanasia
Computers: tax deduction


This work is still in progress......

Smiley Dictionary

I'm sure that you have all noticed that email and online chatting leave much to be desired in interpretation and understanding which we usually see in non-verbal ways such as facial expressions, body language, tones of voice and unique clues we come to take for granted when we converse with others *IRL*

Gradually we have learned to state what we mean along with the words we send from the keyboard into e-mail and chatting with cyber-friends. We use asterisks to indicate exactly how we are feeling or what we are doing I.E. - *grin* or *frownz* or *smile* whatever. We even abbreviate those as well, and at the end of the smiley directory, I will put an "Expressions" directory too.

Smileys are created using punctuation icons..... Here is your typical, run-of-the-mill smiley face, :-) (tilt your head to the left to clarify if it does not look like a smiley face to you.) :-) ~ Do you see it now?

:-o WOW!
:-c REAL UNHAPPY
:-| GRIM
:-C JUST TOTALLY UNBELIEVING
:= | BABOON
:-B DROOLING
:-v SPEAKING
:-, SMIRK
:-V SHOUT
:-|| ANGER
:-w SPEAK WITH FORKED TONGUE
:-) SMILING
:-r STICKING TONGUE OUT
:-( FROWNING
:-* OOPS!
'-) WINK
:-T KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE
;-) SARDONIC INCREDULITY
:-D SAID WITH A SMILE
%-<I DRUNK WITH LAUGHTER
:-x KISS KISS
:-" PURSING LIPS
:-[ POUTING
:-# MY LIPS ARE SEALED
:-X A BIG WET KISS!
:-P TONGUE HANGING OUT IN ANTICIPATION
:-Y A QUIET ASIDE
8-| EYES WIDE WITH SURPRISE
-< ABSOLUTELY LIVID!!
&-| TEARFUL
|-{ "GOOD GRIEF!" (CHARLIE BROWN?)
:-} "THISH WINE TASHTED PRETTY GOOD"
8-] "WOW, MAAAN"
:-, "HMMMMmmmmm"
|%( "SOMEONE JUST BUSTED MY NOSE"
:~D "GREAT! I LIKE IT"
B-D "SERVES YOU RIGHT, DUMMY!!"

:-) YOUR BASIC SMILEY This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix

;-) WINKY SMILEY User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smiley

:-( FROWNING SMILEY User did not like that last statement or is upset or depressed about something

:-I INDIFFERENT SMILEY Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as ood as a happy smiley

:- USER JUST MADE A REALLY BITING SARCASTIC REMARK Worse than a :-)

:- USER JUST MADE A REALLY DEVILISH REMARK

;- WINKY AND DEVIL COMBINED A very lewd remark was just made

Those are the basic ones Here are some somewhat less common ones:

(-: USER IS LEFT HANDED

%-) USER HAS BEEN STARING AT A GREEN SCREEN FOR 15 HOURS STRAIGHT

:*) USER IS DRUNK

[:] USER IS A ROBOT

8-) USER IS WEARING SUNGLASSES

B:-) SUNGLASSES ON HEAD

::-) USER WEARS NORMAL GLASSES

B-) USER WEARS HORN-RIMMED GLASSES

8:-) USER IS A LITTLE GIRL

:-)-8 USER IS A BIG GIRL

:-{) USER HAS A MUSTACHE

:-{} USER WEARS LIPSTICK

{:-) USER WEARS A TOUPEE

}:-( TOUPEE IN AN UPDRAFT

:-[ USER IS A VAMPIRE

:-E BUCKTOOTHED VAMPIRE

:-F BUCKTOOTHED VAMPIRE WITH ONE TOOTH MISSING

:-7 USER JUST MADE A WRY STATEMENT

:-* USER JUST ATE SOMETHING SOUR

;-( USER IS CRYING

;-) USER IS SO HAPPY, S/HE IS CRYING

:-@ USER IS SCREAMING

:-# USER WEARS BRACES

:~) USER HAS A BROKEN NOSE

:<) USER IS FROM AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL

:-& USER IS TONGUE TIED

+-:-) USER IS THE POPE OR HOLDS SOME OTHER RELIGIOUS OFFICE

`:-) USER SHAVED ONE OF HIS EYEBROWS OFF THIS MORNING

,:-) SAME THING OTHER SIDE

|-I USER IS ASLEEP

|-O USER IS YAWNING/SNORING

:-Q USER IS A SMOKER

:-? USER SMOKES A PIPE

O-) MEGATON MAN ON PATROL! (or else, user is a scuba diver)

O :-) USER IS AN ANGEL (at heart, at least)

:-P NYAHHHH!

:-S USER JUST MADE AN INCOHERENT STATEMENT

:-D USER IS LAUGHING (at you!)

:-X USER'S LIPS ARE SEALED

:-C USER IS REALLY BUMMED

:-/ USER IS SKEPTICAL

C=:-) USER OS A CJEF

@= USER IS PRO-NUCLEAR WAR

*<:-) USER IS WEARING A SANTA CLAUS HAT

:-o UH OH!

(8-o IT'S MR BILL!

*:o) AND BOZO THE CLOWN!

3:] PET SMILEY

3:[ MEAN PET SMILEY

d8= YOUR PET BEAVER IS WEARING GOGGLES AND A HARD HAT

E-:-) USER IS A HAM RADIO OPERATOR

:-9 USER IS LICKING HIS/HER LIPS

%-6 USER IS BRAINDEAD

[:-) USER IS WEARING A WALKMAN

(:I USER IS AN EGGHEAD

<:-I USER IS A DUNCE

K:P USER IS A LITTLE KID WITH A PROPELLER BEENIE

@:-) USER IS WEARING A TURBAN

:-0 NO YELLING! (Quiet Lab)

:-: MUTANT SMILEY

THE INVISIBLE SMILEY

-) USER ONLY HAS ONE EYE

,-) DITTO but he's winking

X-( USER JUST DIED

C=};*{O) MEGA-SMILEY A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin

Note: A lot of these can be typed without noses to make midget smileys

:] GLEEP a friendly midget smiley who will gladly be your friend

:) HAPPY

: HMM, let me think

:D LAUGHTER

:I HMMM, not funny!

:( SAD

:[ REAL DOWNER

:< WHAT PRETENCES!

:{ OH BOY, the headmaster!

:O YELLING

;( CRYING

[] HUGS and

:* KISSES

:-` SMILEY SPITTING OUT ITS CHEWING TOBACCO

:-1 SMILEY BLAND FACE

:-! "

:-$ SMILEY FACE WITH IT'S MOUTH WIRED SHUT

:-6 SMILEY AFTER EATING SOMETHING SOUR

8-) SMILEY SWIMMER

:-* SMILEY AFTER EATING SOMETHING BITTER

:-& SMILEY WHICH IS TONGUE-TIED

:-0 SMILEY ORATOR
(:-( UNSMILEY FROWNING
+-:-) SMILEY CLERGY
:-o SMILEY SINGING NATIONAL ANTHEM
:-p SMILEY STICKING ITS TONGUE OUT (at you!)
:-[ UN-SMILEY BLOCKHEAD
:-] SMILEY BLOCKHEAD
:-{ SMILEY VARIATION ON A THEME
:-} DITTO
{:-) SMILEY WITH ITS HAIR PARTED IN THE MIDDLE
g-) SMILEY WITH PINCE-NEZ GLASSES
:-\ UNDECIDED SMILEY
:-/ LEFTY UNDECIDED SMILEY
:-| "HAVE AN ORDINARY DAY" SMILEY
;-) WINKING SMILEY
:-< REAL SAD SMILEY
:-x "MY LIPS ARE SEALED" SMILEY
:-c BUMMED OUT SMILEY
:-v TALKING HEAD SMILEY
:-? SMILEY SMOKING A PIPE
0-) SMILEY CYCLOPS (scuba diver?)
:< MIDGET UNSMILEY
: MIDGET SMILEY
:-) HA HA
%%:-( NET FLAME
|-) HEE HEE
|-D HO HO
:- HEY HEY
:-(
boo hoo
:-I ~HMMMmmmm
:-O UH OH
:-I ~NET STAR TREK
3:o[ NET PETS
|-Z YUK
MALE
:-
FEMALE -
%\v PICASSO
:) BABY SMILEY
%-| BEEN WORKING ALL NIGHT
::-) WEARS GLASSES
}:-( BULL HEADED
:-{) HAS A MUSTACHE
:-# BRACES
:-& TONGUE TIED
:-D
BIG SMILE
C|:-= CHARLIE CHAPLIN
=|:-)= ABE LINCOLN
:-W SPEAK WITH FORKED TONGUE
:-@
"I SWEAR"
:-X MY LIPS ARE SEALED
:-C REALLY BUMMED OUT
C=:-) CHEF
*:o) BOZO
:*) ED MCMAHON
[:-) WEARING A WALKMAN
:-)) DOUBLE CHIN
:-7 SMOKES A PIPE
C:# FOOTBALL PLAYER
:-)8 MAN WITH BOWTIE
:-() I STUBBED MY TOE
:-( ) YOU STEPPED ON MY TOE
:-( ) YOU BACKED YOUR CAR OVER MY TOE


Abbreviations



HAPPILY ADDICTED TO THE WEB
(Sing to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',

I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,

Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

REFRAIN

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?

I'm happily addicted to the Web!


Top 10 Reasons to Buy a Pentium

10. Your current computer is too accurate

9. You want to get into the guinness book as "owner of most expensive paperweight"

9. You want to get into the guinness book as "owner of most expensive paperweight"

8. Math errors add zest to life

7. You need an alibi for the I.R.S.

6. You want to see what all the fuss is about

5. You've always wondered what it would be like to be a plaintiff

4. The "Intel Inside" logo matches your decor perfectly

3. You no longer have to worry about your cpu overheating

2. You got a great deal from JPL and the #1 reason to buy a pentium machine:

1. It'll probably work

Want More? ~ #1 ~ #2

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