~ Pun Fun ~


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Vegetarians eat vegetables. Beware of humanitarians!.

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See Sharp or Be Flat

Driving to work, I had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of me. Moments later, a trooper pulled me over for reckless driving. Luckily, another patrolman had seen the object in the road, so they stopped traffic and retrieved the box, which turned out to contain large upholstery tacks. "Oh, gosh, I'm sorry about this, but now I am going to have to write you a ticket after all." "For what?" I asked, surprised. He replied, "Tacks evasion."

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Q-What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? A-Linoleum blownapart.
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A hydrogen atom comes running into a police station asking for help:
Hydrogen atom:
"Somebody just stole my electron!"
Policeman:
"Are you sure?" Hydrogen atom: "Yes, I'm positive"
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Illegal Operation

A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.
To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen. It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree. A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal. One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)... "Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises."

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Q- Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
A- Both crews were marooned.

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ONLY YOU!!!

There was a group of friars who were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men in the really cute robes, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"

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Twin Adoption

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the other one swims through - which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "da oily boid gets da woim"

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CHESS

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "
I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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MISSING NUTRIENT
(We borrowed this one from Froggy-Sez,
"Thank you Froggy, that was Toadally nice of you to lend it to us! *s*)

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. Finally, Finn went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into the problem, and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water, and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that, and most critically, one part sodium. "You mean?" Jim said when told. "Yes," said Tom, "They needed mono-sodium glue to mate."

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A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co- workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."

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Art Theft

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out and past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

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AFRICAN BOOKWORM

A man in Africa was out taking a walk in the jungle. He found a secluded spot, sat down, and began reading a book. Soon, however, he had a feeling that he was being watched. He looked to his right and there was a lion. He froze. Then he looked to his left; you guessed it, lions were on both sides. Suddenly, the lions jumped the man and ate him. Moral of the story: Never read between the lions.

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DEAD PARROT

An elderly woman walked into her Vet's office carrying a bird. She said that her bird was very sick and needed to be seen right away. The aide showed her to an exam room and told her that the Vet would be right in.
When the Vet came in he took one look at the bird and told the woman that the bird looked dead. She said that it was impossible. "Aren't you going to examine him first." So the Vet took the bird and laid him on his back on the table. He said, "You're bird is dead." She replied that she wanted him to do a thorough exam. The Vet left the room and came back carrying in a cat. He placed the cat on the table next to the bird. The cat walked up to the feet and sniffed. Then he walked to the head and sniffed again. He walked to the birds' wing and sniffed. He finally walked to the other wing, sniffed and jumped off the table and left the room. The Vet said "Well your bird is dead. Please go out front and our secretary will tell you the charges."
The woman walked out to the desk and asked for a bill. The secretary said that it was $450.00. The woman said "$450 for what." The secretary replied "$50 for the office visit, exam and pronouncing the bird dead. $400.00 for the cat-scan."

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I pity the archeologist. His career is in ruins.
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'Tis better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
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Cauliflower

There was once an old, retired couple who, in the autumn of their years enjoyed a simple life. Mr and Mrs Green were very happy in their country cottage, George's passion was his vegetable patch while Martha's was to cook what her beloved husband grew. A perfect situation. Now George was especially proud of his cauliflower. For many years he had cultivated and perfected a secret mulch which, when spread around his carefully tilled cauliflower patch, produced the largest, firmest and most tasty cauliflower in the region. They always had the tightest, crisp, white florets and the greenest leaves. George's usual plan was to take his cauliflower to the regional show where they won every cauliflower prize. Then he would bring them home and Martha would cook them. Unsurprisingly, Martha had perfected her cauliflower cheese to match her husbands gardening expertise. She used the freshest ingredients and cheese which she made herself to a recipe that was *her* little secret. Together, they made an immaculate dish, each component perfectly complementing the others, truly it was food fit for the gods. Indeed, their neighbors would never refuse a dinner invitation if George had recently been to a show.
One year in particular, though George didn't know why, his cauliflower were growing to a stupendous size. Usually they were large, but this year they were huge! George and Martha looked eagerly forward to the day when they would be eaten. Surely they would be the best tasting cauliflower ever, and their size would keep them in cauliflower cheese for a long, long time. When they finally ripened to perfection, George picked the massive vegetables and as usual he took them to the show. The judges were amazed! Never had they seen cauliflower so large and yet so firm and appetizing! George won every prize there was! Beaming with pride he returned home to the bosom of his loving wife. As it was quite late Martha decided to put off her culinary efforts until the next day. She did however, prepare all the other things she would need, this would be a mammoth task! Martha woke early, such was her excitement, and began preparing her cauliflower cheese. Boiling up a small portion of George's vegetable fare until it was just right, not too crisp, not overcooked, the aroma in her small but tidy kitchen was wonderful. While the cauliflower cooked Martha prepared her special sauce. George had risen by then, and though they were both salivating with desire, they decided to wait until supper time to sample their joint creation, reasoning that the wait would make the triumph all the sweeter.
George took himself to the garden, Martha cleaned the kitchen, all day both could think of nothing else. When supper-time finally arrived Martha had produced a wonderful meal. Boiled new potatoes in a light butter sauce, carrots and peas fresh from the garden, a roast leg of lamb with mint sauce and of course, the *piece de resistance* the cauliflower cheese. George opened an old bottle of wine he had been saving, a good vintage year, Martha lit candles to enhance the mood and they sat down to dine. With a smile George proffered a forkful of cauliflower cheese to Martha, she reciprocated with a blush. As they remembered their honeymoon, they bit down upon each others forks taking in the wonderful aroma. DISASTER!!!! The cauliflower was horrible!!!! Even Martha's expertly prepared sauce did nothing to disguise the vileness of the vegetable!! It was so incredibly revolting that both George and his wife could not even swallow the one mouthful they had been so tenderly offered. Using napkins, with as much grace as the situation allowed, they spat out the disgusting food and rinsed their mouths with wine. George was devastated, this was supposed to have been so special, and it was inedible. He was moved to tears. Martha tried to comfort him but he was inconsolable, sobbing gently he gazed at Martha. Look' he said ' not only can we not eat this, it leaves ridiculous red stains' Martha looked in the mirror and sure enough, her lips were a deep scarlet, a lovely color spoiled only by its source.
'Never mind' Martha said, going to kiss George 'I'm sure we can think of something' 'I doubt it' George replied 'it even makes your breath smell bad' George was not usually this tactless, but his grief was such that he didn't really care. Martha herself had noticed the putrid smell on the breath of her husband, but had restrained herself from comment. 'What are we going to do?' asked George. 'We have so many cauliflower and they're all so large. We can't just throw them away!' Now, Martha who was the more thoughtful of the pair, had been been musing and had come up with an idea. 'What about lipstick?' 'What?' 'Well given the nice color, couldn't we some how make a lipstick and sell it? Then it wouldn't be such a waste we might even make enough money to take a little holiday.' 'And it would be a new and environmentally friendly process' she added, always concerned about these things.
'Perhaps, perhaps...' said George. So they set about their new project, in Martha's typically organized way. They kitchen became a research laboratory as man and wife labored night and day. They tried many ways to reduce the cauliflower to its staining components, and many oils and waxes in which to fix it as a base. Many weeks of intensive research and development followed. Countless failures passed them by until finally they had produced the basic lipstick component. 'Unfortunately, its a little bit crumbly' said Martha 'Yes, and it still smells a bit' said George 'maybe we ought to put a warning on the packaging. I'm sure if its used carefully it'll be OK.' 'Good idea' Martha said 'what shall we write?' George thought for a while, considering all the problems they had had, all the joy and pain they had gone through to make their new product. 'I've got it' he said 'we'll write........
<click below to find out what!>

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