~ Pun Fun ~


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* Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.

* The seabird hater left no tern unstoned.

* Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

* Income Tax: Capital punishment.

* A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

* Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

* To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

* A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, 
and the police didn't have anything to go on.

* Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

* Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

* Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentists' Novocain during root canal work?   He wanted to transcend dental medication.

* Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes 
and fell on hard tines?

* Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? ~ They cantaloupe.

* Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

* Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

* Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

* Once I got angry at an Italian restaurant, so I gave them a pizza my mind.

* The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."

* California smog test: Can UCLA?

* The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"

* Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Dis-gruntled.

* Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank; proving once-and-for-all that you can't have your kayak & heat it, too.

* A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

* A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender,
"How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

•I know this guy who works at Sea World; but I don't think it's on porpoise...

•Baroque: when you are out of Monet.

•I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

•For as long as I can remember, I've had amnesia....

•So Nero says to his chief financial advisor "Why isn't the amphitheater making any money" The advisor replied "The lions are eating all our prophets"

•Punsters deserve to be drawn and quoted.

• Did you hear that Dr. Kevorkian is sponsoring a group of teens going to Thailand? He's calling the program "Youth in Asia"!!

•Did you hear the two silkworms that had a race? They ended up in a tie.

•Did you hear the one about the man who lost his whole left side in an accident? Don't worry, he's all right now!

•Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? She had her baby in the spring.

•What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?    A receding hareline.

•"Well, I thought he was charming." ~ "Yes, his father was a snake..."

Did you hear about the UC Berkeley parapsychology professor that had really bad breath? It was a case of supercalifornianmysticexperthalitosis

•Did you hear the one about the guy who tried to install an epileptic converter on his car but couldn't get it to fit?

•Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meatgrinder? He got a little behind in his work.

•Did you hear the one about the cow who tried to jump over a barbwired fence? It was an udder disaster!

•Did you hear the one about the guy who was so dumb that 
he thought the Canadian border paid rent?

•Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? 
He lies awake at night and wonders "Is there a dog?"

•Did you hear the one about the baker who always needed dough?

•Did you hear the one about the hair stylist who was fired 
for making waves?

•Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, 
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

•Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

•Show me a famous composers' liquor cabinet and I'll show you Beethovens' Fifth.

•Tibetian housewife upon entering her smoke-filled kitchen: 
"Oh, my baking yak!"

•A good cook never cooks carrots and pees in the same pot.

•When kissing flowers, remember...tulips are better than one.

•Show me the first presidents' dentures, 
and I'll show you the George Washington Bridge.

•A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.

•Two peanuts were walking in Central Park, one was assaulted.

•If I hated my house and fell in love with my office building, 
would that be an edifice complex?

•Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? 
Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!

•Why couldn't the flower talk? 
It's problem stemmed from not having two lips!

•Vegetarians eat vegetables. Beware of humanitarians.

•A great Jedi English teacher was quoted in saying, 
"metaphors be with you."

•I pity the archeologist. His career is in ruins.

•'Tis better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

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