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She was only the moonshiners daughter, but I loved her still!


A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says
"Say, aren't you string?" The string confirms that he is and the bartender replies
"GET OUT! We don't serve your kind here!"
Well, as the string leaves he runs into a friend who asks to buy him a drink.
"We can't go in there, they don't serve string."
"They'll serve us," his friend says, "just do what I do."
The string then proceed to tie themselves together and scuff up each trailing end. "There now, let's go in."
As they enter the bar and order a drink, the bartender says,
"Say, aren't you guys string?" To which the strings reply...
"Nope, we're A-FRAYED KNOT!"

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a real fun guy!"


Ralph walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink.
There's only one other person sitting at the bar and he's way down at the other end of the room slouched over his table.

Ralph orders a drink and as he tilts his head back to imbibe the first cold one of the day he hears a very, very tiny voice say "Hey, nice tie!" Ralph sits down the drink with great speed and looks around the room. Bartender at one end washing glasses and the drunk sitting way over in the corner passed out.

Ralph shakes his head, chuckles at what just happened and writes it off as his mind just being over worked and under fed! As he lifts his mug of beer for his now much needed thirst quencher he hears "Hey buddy, that's a fantastic button-down shirt in a very attractive broad cloth material" Now Ralph thinks the bartender must be putting him on by being a ventriloquist. He calls the bartender over to challenge him. "Hey Yourself", Ralph said. "Who said those things to me while I was trying to take a drink?" The bartender replied, "Look in front of you.....in the bowl on the bar......those are just complimentary peanuts!"

A woodpecker walks into a pub and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

So this guy walks into a bar with his 10 foot tall giraffe.
Despite the strange stares from the other bar occupants, they proceed to drink themselves silly. After about a dozen drinks, the giraffe stands up and then keels over. At this his companion stands up as well, settles his bar bill and starts to walk out of the bar. The bartender shouts,
"Hey idiot, you can't leave that lyin' here!" The man replies, "You're the idiot, that's a giraffe, not a lion!"


A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."



A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony
was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.
At this point you must understand two things:
(1) There's a long segment in this symphony during which the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
(2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.
Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple of rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late." Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.
Katims was furious! And why not? After all..... It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.


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